"Don't call me names; I'm

"Don't call me names; I'm in a hospital...!"

Him: "You know, it's only too hot for the fleshy parts of your mouth."
Me: "Like the roof and the tongue?"
Him, mouth full of molten pizza: "And the lips."

"I was thinking of cross-breeding a pomeranian and a pomeranian to create a pom-pom."

"Now that I've given myself a whole new reason to have diarrhea, I thought maybe you could make out with me."
- after drinking half a gallon of orange juice

"This game would be pretty easy if you had four legs."

- watching me play Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix

"I thought if I complained enough it would lead to consensual sex."

"That truck car looks like retarded."

- in the Hooter's parking lot, upon seeing a Nissan cube