"I was thinking of cross-breeding a pomeranian and a pomeranian to create a pom-pom."

"Now that I've given myself a whole new reason to have diarrhea, I thought maybe you could make out with me."
- after drinking half a gallon of orange juice

"This game would be pretty easy if you had four legs."

- watching me play Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix

"I thought if I complained enough it would lead to consensual sex."